Hey man sorry I got all grabby
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
