you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
