The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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