i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
