I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
