Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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