You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
