I wish my penis had an off switch
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
