i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize