I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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