i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
