feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
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