Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
