This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
