last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
