I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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