When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I can't turn off my feet"
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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