We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
