Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
