my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
someone owes me an orgasm
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize