i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
