Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
