My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I wish you could order shots online.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
