The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
