You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I can't put those talents on a resume
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize