I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
