I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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