i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
