Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
