Define "chronic" masturbator.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
