Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
