Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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