Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
im six kinds of drunk right now
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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