I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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