If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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