We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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