FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
