McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
