i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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