So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize