she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
