Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
