This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Dear god my vagina.
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