You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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