The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
