i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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