She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Randomize
