Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
