operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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