she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I bet he comes in French.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
COCAINE IS GR8
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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