You just made me feel so damn special
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
