can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
