I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize