I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I didn't notice because vodka
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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