I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
