Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
