Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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