what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just forgot I was standing up.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
