if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
